leaving the flock

Today, my heart was touched by a student. He is in the severely handicapped class. Deeply autistic. Locked inside himself, surrounded by a world that is fast-moving, confusing, and often frightening.

I was taking both 3rd grade classes to PE. Our campus has security fences (don't even get me started) around the entire school, so for our class to get out to the track, I have to unlock one of the gates. When we arrived, there was this lone student, from the SpEd class. I looked around, searching for the rest of his class. But the kids and teacher were nowhere to be seen. This was extremely unusual, because these students are under constant supervision, and someone is always holding their hand when they go anywhere.

I was trying to get the gate unlocked, and my little friend was making strange yipping noises. No words, no eye contact. I wasn't sure if the noises were stressful or gleeful. But, I knew he wanted out/in. I finally got the gate unlocked, and took him by the hand. I knew that this could go one of two ways. I was a stranger to him, unless somewhere in the recesses of his mind, he had me filed as a teacher. Taking his hand could send him into flight mode, and then I'd have a runner on my hands. Luckily, he allowed me to hold his hand. Actually, he seemed to be bothered by hand to hand contact. I held his wrist. He resisted a little bit, but I believe that he "knew" I was okay.

I had 32 other students with me. My aide had gone ahead to set up the activity in the gym. Something in the other kids registered that this was not the time to riot. Something told them that I had to give all my attention to this little boy. So, both 3rd grade classes walked with me, while I decided what to do.

I walked him to the gym, looking for his class. The gym was empty. He stayed with me, pulling a few times, but I gently held on to him; loose enough to allow him some space, but firm enough to keep him close. Then I felt something. I felt him holding MY hand. He was holding on to me too. We had personal contact! My aide returned, so I left him with the "flock", while I took the one lone sheep back to his own meadow. We walked quietly, and without thought or plan, I hummed to him. We walked together, me soothingly humming, this quiet little guy at my side.

I felt like walking on and on, holding hands, void of conversation. I stroked the top of his head and whispered, "It's alright." He seemed so fragile and so gentle. As we approached his classroom, his teacher and the aide were just coming out of the room. The aide looked pretty rattled. She'd had "a runner" and she'd darted off after that one, while this little guy wandered. She thanked me and took his other hand. I felt him hold on to my hand more tightly. He pulled me with him, until the aide released his hand from mine. I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to go to class with him and watch his day. But, my flock was waiting.